S1/Ep16: Candyce Smalls – Use Self Love to Break the Emotional Bonds of Domestic Violence

Use self love to break the emotional bonds of domestic violence.


Book: Mindful Meal Prep: Clean, Delicious Recipes for Weight Loss available on Amazon.

Abuse hotline for help: https://www.thehotline.org/

Candyce Pirtle-Smalls is a nurse, educator, holistic transformation health coach and author of the new book, “Mindful Meal Prep Guide.” Known as “Coach Candy,” she is passionate about helping women become the best version of themselves—mind, body and spirit.

She was a victim as a young teenager. She had suppressed her trauma and it showed up as an addiction to food. She became addicted to sugar and carbs. She had no control over food.

In a 3 year period she was gaining about 20lbs. per year. She would get triggered when her husband would invite her to the gym. She would feel angry.

Analogy: It is like trying to put a beach ball under water, it is impossible. It keeps popping up.

What drove you to the food? No reason. Eating through emotions. Mindless. No awareness. She was eating through emotions. I will do what I want. Control. She couldn’t control her thoughts or feelings. It was hurting her marriage. She was feeling bad about herself. She masked it with her ambition. It was the external that she was concerned with. I was present but not really there. What triggered the change? The rock bottom was getting on the scale and she was 196lbs at 5’2”. She admitted she was going to go to boot camp. I am going to do it. She was trying. I was not ready. I did not feel worth the try. She wasn’t ready to do the work. In 6 weeks she lost 15lbs. The momentum shifted. She found love in the kitchen. She took her power back and she put it into the food. She started to deal with the physical part. No one ever told me. Then something started to shift. She was getting sparks in her mind. Light bulbs went off on a deeper level. She was gaining confidence. It is levels to transformation. It went into psychological. It wasn’t about the food. Once she surpassed her goal, she had an awakening. Do I stop this race? She broke through the seal. She started to want to help other people. That was the first spark.

What was the trauma in your childhood? Growing up she witnessed her mother fighting and yelling. Chaos. There were shooting threats. Abandonment. That was the stem of what she knew of relationships. I would not do it if I didn’t love you. Love hurts. Love is pain. Love is physical. She took those concepts with her and manifested it into fear. In a teenage relationship, she became the aggressor. That is how she got trapped into the relationship. She wanted to see if he would hit her back. This is love. Let me test him. Love was action. It was a process of control. He would limit her and control her. She attracted exactly what she knew. She recreated what was comfortable. You didn’t have another role model. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t realize this until a few years later when she asked her sister, “did Mom ever say she loved you?” And she realized that her mom had never said she loved her. Then she held a grudge. She finally confronted her Mother. And her mother’s mother never showed love to her so it was all she knew! We have to learn the skills and how to love. The tools we were given are not always the way and we need to educate ourselves.

What made her not repeat the family history? It was bigger than me. It was the birth of my son and I did not want that for him and break the chain. She had her son at 16.

She got heightened awareness. Her exit plan was she was either going to kill him and or he was going to kill her. The relationship was done soon after that. She reached a point where she was done. She woke up one day and she was DONE. It was an addiction. It was a sickness. It was about control again. A light bulb went off. I will leave when I want to leave. That is powerful.

She lost 50lbs. Mind, body, soul. She felt called to help others. She wanted to do more. She wrote a book. Mindful Meals…..NEED TITLE. I was growing in my community. My spiritual awakening was happening. Where are you taking my people? It was an out of body experience. She woke up crying and screaming and asking for forgiveness. We have to save the people. She was terrified. Guidance. Obedience. Discipline. That is GOD. It was a spiritual awakening. Which side was going to be on. She chose the right side. She cried writing and changing the book. The fear was a transition from a deep level. The old her to the new her. New ways of being. She chose the light side and left the dark side behind. It was powerful. She saw both. She can’t put it into words. She wants to take other women to the light. It wasn’t about her, it was bigger than her. You had an additional calling to tell your story. This is a brand new point. This is fresh and her only second time sharing this story. It is freedom. She broke the chains and released the trauma. She wanted to be transparent. She is an ordinary girl with an extraordinary mission. Eye to eye. She has helped so many women. This is a season of healing.

WORKSHOP INFORMATION: Email Candyce Pirtle-Smalls <speaking@fitinherkitchen.com>

Her and her Mom are close. Is this hard for her to hear you speak about it? She said, this is your story, you tell it. The forgiveness opened her up too. She is complimentary. It helps her being a survivor too.

It happens to 1 out of 5 women. It is not only physical, it is mental too. Education and awareness is the key. How do you foster wellness if someone isn’t ready to leave? When you are in it, you don’t see that. Hurt people, hurt people. It isn’t about you. It is a trait within them. You keep yourself safe and find a spark that has been dimmed. Self love is the beginning. You need to care for yourself.

Contra costa has a hotline to talk with somebody. Break the silence. When you say it out loud it changes things. 1% of hope is all you need to get out. When you shift, they aren’t going to like it. They will pull it back. Internal is important. You will find the spark. Maybe you take a picture of your old self. To bring you back to where you once were. You are not alone. It is very isolating. It is full of shame. People think lower income and poverty but that is not the case. You get embarrassed. There is a lot of high profile people who have and are abused.

Take care of you and love you and always strive to be a better you.